Vampires, Cold Play And The Fall Of Mordor
September 4, 2013 § 1 Comment
In the dead of the night, the Orcs crept into Azkaban and attacked the guards. The Death-Eaters were outraged over the assault and they started their joy-suck engines but the Orcs wouldn’t yield, for they had no happiness. The whole thing gave Death-Eaters a terrible headache. Then Gandalf came down to Hogwarts and in a brief seminar, revealed how the realms must mix before The Final Age. This didn’t sit well with Dumbledore, who loved being the best. So he joined hands with Melkor and summoned the White Walkers at Norway. Seven days did these White Walkers walk across the shore and just when PanAm was supposed to pick them up, they were told that the flight was delayed.
So Gandalf unabated and though many dire wolves did the woods of Azkaban contain, he took them all into his service. He also called out an army of muggles, armed with TT pistols, which had been specially trained to shoot at black curtains.
But when G. R. R. Martin learnt of this, he was deeply aggrieved. For the designs of the universe must not be forced. So he stood over the Mount Doom and calling out to Gandalf, spoke thus, “Hey Gandy! Yes, you! Die’ – and thus was the wise wizard of the Age of Android Empires dead, for Martin had a power none else possessed.
Meanwhile, Dumbledore took his leagues of White Walkers to Mount Sauria and slayed the dwarves – for rich they were and really snobbish too. This angered the timeless allies of dwarves, the Men, who took the mountains in their rage and started watching Justin Bieber videos in their desperation. But one among them, called Green Lantern, was stirred to fight evil. So he went to the local Walmart and bought a dozen energy saves, and an iPhone.
With these new powers, he waged war on Melkor’s army. Dumbledore threw many jinxes at Lantern but he couldn’t be harmed due to the Elfish Fair Skin ointment. Afterwards, marketing executive would cite him as the perfect brand ambassador in their research papers.
Five wars were fought that week and five were won by Goku who had snuck in from a blackhole and annihilated everything with his Kamehameha. Then the Valar decided to create another World but the Seven Gods disputed the decision and took them to the Supreme Court. Republicans bitterly opposed both of them but eventually, Valar stood victorious.
But bitter in their past experiences, they decided to teach Men a lesson. So they created a world of heavy metal, vampires and Apple fan bois. In this world dwelt the evil of Fox News which hid in the shadow of Mordor and frequently sent out legions of gossip-mongering news anchors. Much harm did these legions do to the hearts of Men and corrupted them. And no hope was in sight until Cold Play rose anew and challenged the might of Mordor. The fairest of men he was and he played an excellent Guitar, as is preserved in the books of Maesters. He preached that all music is not equal and that only douches can hate Rock. In time, he gathered 10,000 Faceless Men and visited the local Victoria’s Secrets to get the One Ring.
But while he was still in the Bay of Brooklyn, Melkor devised a clever scheme to steal the ring. He made a bargain with Harry Potter who used his Invisibility Cloak to get it for the Dark Lord. Thus was Melkor pleased and he sent Potter to Narnia where he became best friends with Aslan in his later days.
The woes of Men, however, were not over yet for Mordor still stood tall as the den of all evil. So the Elves and Men, and Dwarves and Starks, joined their forces with Dumbledore, for they hated the bureaucratic delays in the Ministry of Magic. Glorious was this one united army which spread from South to West and was named Golden Dragon. They marched against the might of Mordor, where the dark lord sulked over a badly cooked omelet.
When Golden Dragon reached the Black Gate, the immigration officials refused entry. So Gandalf used his powers to create three joints which the officials smoke and went crazy. Thus was good used to trick the bad, though rare have such tricks played well in the hands of Men. With the Black Gate open to them, the Golden Dragon marched into the deathly hallows of Mordor. Thence they revved up their tanks and were about to go ape-shit on the Dark Tower that G.R. R. Martin shouted from Mount Doom yet again. Before he could say something evil, though, he was gagged and sent to The Wall, where he eventually rose to the ranks of Auror in the First Order.
When the gates of the Dark Tower fell, Starks it were who gained the first entry. And the noblest among them was Stark Junior who died tragically in the TV series but was able to perform great deeds that day. He fought Melkor on the footsteps of his royal suite and though he lost his sense of humor in the fight, he finally drove Ice through the Dark Lord’s heart. Melkor laughed at the wound and told the Stark that he shall die not of a mortal man. But then the Stark told him how he died in a TV show and this made Melkor mortified who, the Ancient Books reveal, said two words before falling down and dying. And eternal in their dark wisdom are these words which were ‘Just Kidding.’
The fall of Mordor marked the Age Of Seasoned Stupidity. In that age, Men toiled through the mountains to find silicon and created computers out of them. The Maesters were unhappy and they resigned in retaliation of the Great Layoff that followed. And so, this is where the Tales of Old end.